Starting Over, Facing My Demons and Healing
Hiya Pussycats!
It is time for me to make my way back to social media and blogging.
So much to say and share!! I am super excited to get back on
this horse because there have been bumps in the road.
So much to say and share!! I am super excited to get back on
this horse because there have been bumps in the road.
Warning! I am going to be rambly as this post is a journal entry
if you will. This post is a declaration enabling to me to come
out from my creative shadow and two years of confusion
and apprehension.
if you will. This post is a declaration enabling to me to come
out from my creative shadow and two years of confusion
and apprehension.
So, in advance, thank you for staying with me in this post
as I bare a few truths from my creative soul.
This wasn't a difficult post to write but it is always a wee bit daunting
when one bares ones soul on the internet, as you do :)
when one bares ones soul on the internet, as you do :)
Change isn't easy and can be terrifying when
you start digging deep and look for the answers about what
went wrong. I am sure many of you out there can relate.
went wrong. I am sure many of you out there can relate.
Lots has happened since I wrote last and also lots has not happened.
Firstly, I said good bye to my beloved namesake and faithful biz name
Weezi a few weeks ago. Weezi had been a trusted companion
and cherished friend to me in more ways then I can say.
Weezi helped me make my mark on the world and I have to admit
it is with many mixed feelings and a heavy heart that I
say good bye to my old friend.
Weezi a few weeks ago. Weezi had been a trusted companion
and cherished friend to me in more ways then I can say.
Weezi helped me make my mark on the world and I have to admit
it is with many mixed feelings and a heavy heart that I
say good bye to my old friend.
Weezi has brought me more joy and happiness then I could
possibly put into words. The creative expression & colourful
journey I have taken with Weezi has been the stuff of dreams.
I am extremely grateful for everything both good & bad that
I have experienced bc of Weezi. All the connections, the visits,
the friendships, the fashion shows and smiling faces will
continue to be my resource for inspiration
possibly put into words. The creative expression & colourful
journey I have taken with Weezi has been the stuff of dreams.
I am extremely grateful for everything both good & bad that
I have experienced bc of Weezi. All the connections, the visits,
the friendships, the fashion shows and smiling faces will
continue to be my resource for inspiration
as I move forward with my re-naming and re-branding.
Change is never easy but it can be a bit less intimidating when
Change is never easy but it can be a bit less intimidating when
you know the time is right to make those changes. Now is the
right time to change the name, how I run my biz and my
life for that matter.
right time to change the name, how I run my biz and my
life for that matter.
So, a last farewell and good-bye to Weezi with
many thanx for the adventure *sniff* xoxo
many thanx for the adventure *sniff* xoxo
( my bricks & mortar shoppe 2007- 2014)
*****
*****
So what is the new name of my biz...????
.....my biz is now called "ila and alice" :)
I have re-named my biz after my Grannies bc they were
both incredible, creative, smart, tough women who helped
shape me into the crafty gal that I am today. I miss them both
very much and thought naming my biz after them both
would be a wonderful way to honour their talents, their
love and their contributions to the
shape me into the crafty gal that I am today. I miss them both
very much and thought naming my biz after them both
would be a wonderful way to honour their talents, their
love and their contributions to the
world while they were here.
ila and alice were very different women but they understood the
immense personal value of creating and making things. They both
loved to express themselves though crafty en-devours and they
were both very talented in their crafts of choice.
As I start my journey down this very new path I am thrilled and
greatly comforted by bringing them along. I luved them both dearly
and being able to share their stories throughout my adventures
into online selling eases the sorrow of missing them.
and being able to share their stories throughout my adventures
into online selling eases the sorrow of missing them.
I look forward to sharing their lives, their insights and gifts with
you and having you get to know them :)
*****
So what is the long rambley post all about then you might ask!
Well, the up-start with the new biz has been a wee bit slow
as I am still handling my creative "stage fright" after
having shut down my Weezi shoppe two years ago.
having shut down my Weezi shoppe two years ago.
Things haven't gone as planned since I moved and closed the
shoppe. I have been all over the place and changing my mind about
many things as one does after a major life change.
Something was missing.
shoppe. I have been all over the place and changing my mind about
many things as one does after a major life change.
Something was missing.
I just couldn't get back into my groove. I was restless and eager
but also felt lost and confused. I didn't recognize myself and I felt
like I was in a thick fog and didn't know which way to turn.
but also felt lost and confused. I didn't recognize myself and I felt
like I was in a thick fog and didn't know which way to turn.
People said... Pull your boot straps up!
Move forward! Get on with it! It's easy, you've been doing it
for twenty years! Don't be foolish!
Well, the truth is that I have tried those things and it didn't work.
I lost my creative "mojo". My feeling free to create, sew, mix
and match and glue with abandon was adrift in a glittery spiral
downwards. After having lost my routine, my customers and my
sense of purpose I was having some serious blockage with my
creative abilities and it felt like the designers version of writers block.
downwards. After having lost my routine, my customers and my
sense of purpose I was having some serious blockage with my
creative abilities and it felt like the designers version of writers block.
After I closed the shoppe in March of 2014 I thought I could easily
pick up where I left off and just simply start creating and making
like nothing was different. This was not to be the case.
I tried to get back into the groove and start sewing up a frenzy
of goodies. Each attempt was stymied with a lack of enthusiasm
and feeling of actual indifference. I just needed a break I thought.
of goodies. Each attempt was stymied with a lack of enthusiasm
and feeling of actual indifference. I just needed a break I thought.
But, after many struggles I got to the point where I thought
to myself ...."I don't like sewing anymore".
WHAT?
Not like sewing?! Preposterous! I have been sewing since I was 6.
I luv sewing! I could sew 200 hours a day and luv every minute.
I sew in my sleep! I am a mega sewer! I sew everything
and anything! This could NOT be true because if I wasn't sewing and
wasn't luving sewing then who was I???? What did I have to offer
the world without sewing? The concept was terrifying and
beyond perplexing. I had never, ever felt this way.
Everything came to an abrupt halt.
* cue in the needle skidding across the record*
And, so it began....my journey into looking for my lost creative mojo.
And, so it began....my journey into looking for my lost creative mojo.
It wasn't just about the sewing and designing it turned out.
It was all things creative. OMG!
This was terrifying with a capital T.
I was lost.
It was all things creative. OMG!
This was terrifying with a capital T.
I was lost.
With great hesitation and reluctance I started to re-assess.
I finally accepted and recognized that what I was doing
before wasn't authentic to me and my own creative expression.
I finally accepted and recognized that what I was doing
before wasn't authentic to me and my own creative expression.
I had to examine and look at at how I actively participated
in my own creative demise. All my mistakes and sins started
creep up on me like a sordid date in a cheap suit and I couldn't
stop him from showing up and knocking at my front door. I had to
admit some shit I did not want to. I had to be realistic because
if I didn't, the bad suit at my door would NEVER stop knocking.
I had to take control back and pony up some truths because I hated
the cheap cologne that wafted off that cheap suit and how it
hung under my nose with indifference.
in my own creative demise. All my mistakes and sins started
creep up on me like a sordid date in a cheap suit and I couldn't
stop him from showing up and knocking at my front door. I had to
admit some shit I did not want to. I had to be realistic because
if I didn't, the bad suit at my door would NEVER stop knocking.
I had to take control back and pony up some truths because I hated
the cheap cologne that wafted off that cheap suit and how it
hung under my nose with indifference.
Here are those truths:
I created to sell quickly, I created to make everyone else happy
and I created what I thought would make people "get me".
I created to fill a void in myself. I created with fear and resentment.
I tried SO hard to please everyone and I tried so hard to
I tried SO hard to please everyone and I tried so hard to
be everything to everyone else that I lost myself along the way.
It back-fired with such velocity that I am still picking up the pieces.
Don't misunderstand, I still luv vintage, vintage looks,
vintage fabrics and all of the things I was passionate about the last
few years. The problem was that I created from a place that was
looking for acceptance and validation from people who would
never give it to me. I created from a place that was a
true charactuer of desperation. I thought the harder I
few years. The problem was that I created from a place that was
looking for acceptance and validation from people who would
never give it to me. I created from a place that was a
true charactuer of desperation. I thought the harder I
try to please everyone the more they will start to REALLY see me,
get me and like my offerings. I contorted myself creatively
and mercilessly trying made things that didn't come from a
place of true authenticity. I didn't create from my heart I created
from a messy, confused, scared place that was ruled by fear.
get me and like my offerings. I contorted myself creatively
and mercilessly trying made things that didn't come from a
place of true authenticity. I didn't create from my heart I created
from a messy, confused, scared place that was ruled by fear.
Fear of failure and fear of rejection.
The sad part was, that after awhile this became a natural state for me.
I voided out and neglected my creative soul and consciousness and
thought I could get away with it.
Ultimately, the universe doesn't work that way.
Turns out that the universe will eventually slam the proverbial
piano lid down on your neglected soul in order to
salvage what is left of your mental health and emotional well being.
Ouch.
My lack luster for sewing and creating was a heavy handed wake
up from something bigger then me and I had no choice put to sit
up and pay attention. My ego was shoved into a shoe box while
my inner self screamed and sounded the alarm.....
up from something bigger then me and I had no choice put to sit
up and pay attention. My ego was shoved into a shoe box while
my inner self screamed and sounded the alarm.....
"Time to take the weapons from the walls people!!
We must end the hostility!!"
We must end the hostility!!"
This was now out of my hands. Time to get real.
Seriously, the hardest part was saying and admitting that I was
living in denial, shame and hurt. Mostly shame. So much shame.
Huge cargo containers chuck full and seeping out shame. Shame of perceived failures.
Shame of wanting and needing to be validated.
living in denial, shame and hurt. Mostly shame. So much shame.
Huge cargo containers chuck full and seeping out shame. Shame of perceived failures.
Shame of wanting and needing to be validated.
Shame and fear of anyone finding out that I was ....well, a fraud
and that maybe I really had no talent. Maybe, just maybe I
was an impostor and a fraud!! Point and laugh they will at the
lady with the giant scarlet F pinned on her chest! It was a lot to
process and I was unsure I even wanted to process it.
and that maybe I really had no talent. Maybe, just maybe I
was an impostor and a fraud!! Point and laugh they will at the
lady with the giant scarlet F pinned on her chest! It was a lot to
process and I was unsure I even wanted to process it.
There was a lot of hurt under there.
Maybe I could sweep it under the carpet???
No.
Maybe I could sweep it under the carpet???
No.
Door #1: Live with the fear and self-loathing OR!
Door #2: Ask the tough questions, look within and find help.
Door #2!!
Door #2!!
What was most surprising in all honesty that once I made
the decision to do so, I was relieved by how much support
and love was out there. Yes! I found myself in a place where
I was told it would be OK. OK???! Surely not! I am self-describe
fraudster and charlatan in my community. There is no mercy for such behaviour, surely. It couldn't be Ok. It didn't make sense.
the decision to do so, I was relieved by how much support
and love was out there. Yes! I found myself in a place where
I was told it would be OK. OK???! Surely not! I am self-describe
fraudster and charlatan in my community. There is no mercy for such behaviour, surely. It couldn't be Ok. It didn't make sense.
But it was OK. I was not a phony.
All those icky, grimy, ugly, dirty mistakes and feelings that I harboured
about rejection and validation were allowed to come out
without the humiliation I feared.
about rejection and validation were allowed to come out
without the humiliation I feared.
Hmmmmmm, fear.
Fear is a clever crippler who fancies dancing with humiliation on
a regular basis. The two are a toxic and deadly combination
that will grow roots in your soul so gently and warmly you don't
even know what is happening.
a regular basis. The two are a toxic and deadly combination
that will grow roots in your soul so gently and warmly you don't
even know what is happening.
They reside in your psyche like welcomed sidekicks bolstering
up your ego for months & years with cheap gin and canned ham.
Why?
up your ego for months & years with cheap gin and canned ham.
Why?
Because the sad part is that it doesn't take much to make your
ego feel warm and fuzzy. Your ego, if left to its own devices, will
thrive from the "liquid courage" of falsehood and doubt provided
by ill-gotten nutrients.
ego feel warm and fuzzy. Your ego, if left to its own devices, will
thrive from the "liquid courage" of falsehood and doubt provided
by ill-gotten nutrients.
What I didn't know then but I do know now is that forgiveness
and support are easily accessible. Strange concept to me this,
but very much real. The trick was that I also had to forgive myself. Imagine that.
Forgiving myself for being a fallible human was not
only doable but essential.
Essential. No options here...only forgiveness.
Forgiveness FOR myself FROM myself deep down was the
beginning of
the healing process. Being to able to look at myself and say
"It's OK! Let's move forward" was a new concept to me.
beginning of
the healing process. Being to able to look at myself and say
"It's OK! Let's move forward" was a new concept to me.
Let me say too, there is such freedom is screaming out
"I fucked up!!!" So liberating not to fear saying it out loud
and not allowing the anxiety to reside tightly in your mind
and in your chest.
"I fucked up!!!" So liberating not to fear saying it out loud
and not allowing the anxiety to reside tightly in your mind
and in your chest.
I.Fucked.Up. ----> Glorious.
Relief doesn't even begin to describe how I now feel everyday.
Am I still nervous and unsure?
Am I still nervous and unsure?
Yes, absolutely! But do I live under a veil of self reproach?
No, thank goodness...no.
Soooooooooo, yeah. This brings me to now.
I'm a little battle weary, still nervous but oh so happy to feel free
of shame, fear and my self imposed emotional confinement.
I'm a little battle weary, still nervous but oh so happy to feel free
of shame, fear and my self imposed emotional confinement.
So happy to have waded through so much of it!
From this point on I have made a promise to myself to continue
to the do the work while learning to not fear my inner voice
and my intuition in regards to what will make my creative-self shine.
The best part is that I will have both my grannies with me to help
get me back into the swing of things.
Hallelujah and pass the glitter and the glue gun!! :)
Thanx Pussycats for being a part of this with me!!
Much luv, Lisa xo